First day of a new year. Last year was pretty grim in many ways. Too much suffering, almost all of it self-imposed. My theme tune for last year was a song that goes:

“I am going to make it through this year if it kills me”

Well, I made it.

So what now? I know I have to do something, change something, make an effort. Well I know that on one level but on another…is that what is needed?

I know what is good for me, simple things. Enough sleep, not to much to drink, no smoking, some exercise, a spot of meditation.

First things first. Tomorrow I will go see my GP, get on the list for counselling (half year wait, oh well) and maybe consider going on some kind of anti-depressant for a while. I don’t know, do I really want to go on Prozac? Do I really want to continue at this level of suffering?

How can I be the person I want to be? What is that person? Who is that person? If that person is not the person writing this then who the hell is he?

Perhaps i need to try that exercise where I imagine who I like to be and where I’d like to be in five years time. Leave nothing out, make it as wild and as unlikely as I want. Then work out the half way point between here and there and plan how to cross the gap.

And at the same time, in a slightly knowing way I’ll acknowledge that it doesn’t really matter what I do under the samsaric sun and that ultimately it doesn’t really matter for I don’t really exist other than a playful forgotten thought, somewhere, someway, someday.

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